~Insert Title Here~

Discussion in 'Terraria Literature' started by iNfiniTe Se7eNz, Sep 21, 2012.

  1. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    Oh my Lucifer I'm actually posting this.
    I didn't even edit it, I just sat down and wrote this in one stretch, and I'm going to post it here.
    I legitimately don't even know what to call it.
    So yeah, it probably sucks, but here it is.

    For those of you in my RP group, you'll know what/who this is about.
    Prologue

    A woman dashed through open plains, her cloak flapping in the wind. Her heart beat quickly, her breathing was quick, and something shone in her bright green eyes. A mother’s instinct to protect her child. In her arms she held her infant daughter, wrapped in a thick blanket. The clang of steel upon earth clanged behind her, marching, following, pursuing. She poured more energy into her legs, increasing the distance between the murderers and her child. They were many; she was one. Her allies were miles away; her enemies were on her heels. But she was strong. They could not outrun her.

    But they could still kill her.

    Bowstrings stretched, arrows soared. One found its mark. She let out a cry of pain as an arrow pierced her left shoulder, continuing until the arrowhead and part of the shaft jutted out from the other side. She lost her balance, and lifted her arms upward to cushion her infant’s fall. Her face hit the hard dirt, but she still held her arms outstretched with her daughter. Her face burned with pain as she spat out dirt. Gently, she laid the child, who had begun to cry, on the ground. She lifted herself up onto her knees, and wiped the blood that dripped from a cut on her cheek. She broke off the forward part of the arrow embedded in her shoulder, and pulled out the other half, discarding both. Still groggy from the impact with the ground, she pulled her child back into her arms and struggled to her feet. She struggled to move forward, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

    But they were gaining. The gap closed. They drew closer, closer. It seemed inevitable that they would catch up…

    With a skysplitting roar, a massive shadow descended rapidly, smashing the earth under its landing. A pair of red-orange eyes burned with anger. A dragon, black as the night, positioned itself in between her and her attackers. It opened its maw, expelling flames against the armored soldiers. She hastily climbed upon the dragon’s tail, supporting herself with the dragon’s spikes with one hand, and holding her daughter with the other. She seated herself on the dragon’s back, who thrust itself into the sky immediately afterwards.

    Gracefully, the dragon soared through the night sky. A full moon and the starry heavens shone above. She hummed softly to her child, gazing upon her face. The daughter’s skin was cyan, her hair a deep blue. Her eyes were shut peacefully in tender slumber. The mother closed her eyes, and smiled sadly. The dragon did the same.

    A town came into view. Home. The dragon landed within its walls. It was the middle of the night, but none in the town slept. From the far side, over the opposite wall, cannon shots and dragon roars resounded. The army that was chasing the mother was not the only threat. The dragon murmured something to her as she climbed off its back, carrying the daughter. She simply nodded in reply, and tenderly stroked the dragon’s snout. She held up the child to him. He gently placed his muzzle against the infant’s forehead. She awoke, but remained entirely placid. She did not fear him. The dragon ceased the gesture, and as the mother walked away he spread his wings and took flight, towards the cannon shots and dragon roars.

    Mother and daughter approached a large building, several stories tall. A young woman was outside, unloading bodies from a dragon. She shook her head as she placed them on rolling beds, and beckoned for others who wheeled them inside. She patted the dragon’s head. He was a cripple, one eye was scarred and blinded, and he was missing his forward left paw. He could not fight for his home, but he could at least try to help his people. But the people in the hospital were now beyond help. He sighed.

    ~~~~~~~​

    Corruption. Unholy beasts with murderous fangs darted through the air, spreading a sickly purple grass in their wake. The townsfolk fought back against the putrid creatures. Steel sliced diseased skin, and tooth tore and infected flesh. Some townsfolk rode upon dragonback, summoning brilliant spells or sniping with bow and arrow. The Corruption, too, had its dragons. Unlike the vibrant, shimmering scales of the others, the dragons of Corruption bore the same unearthly tissue as their voracious underlings.

    Towards the rear of the battle, closer to the town wall, hovered a small female dragon, with white and red scales. She was not a fighter, but she played a vital role in the town’s defense. When townsman or dragon would bear injury, she would dart past them, magically healing their wounds. If the wounds were especially severe, or infected by the Corruption’s pestilence, the cripple would swoop in and carry the fallen to the hospital, where she would lend the doctors her magic. She risked her life to save countless others. But a high risk it was. A Corrupt dragon broke through the line of defense, catching her off guard. Before anyone could come to her assistance, a massive Vilethorn tore through her breast, and she fell to the ground. Without her magic, all in the hospital were as good as dead.

    ~~~~~~~​

    The mother gravely shook her head. The young woman washed the mother’s wounds, and treated them the best she could. It would have to do. She walked from the hospital, now a house of the dying. She sat down under a tree, rocking her daughter in her arms.

    Several minutes passed. Was it ten? Twenty? Forty? She did not know. The black dragon returned. He bore fresh scars, and he shook his head sadly. His fiery red-orange eyes had a film of moisture upon them. The Corruption had been defeated, but at great cost. And another hostile army was about to arrive from the opposite direction. She realized the inevitable.

    Nearby was a small crevice that led underground. She walked through it, daughter still in hand. It was far too small for a dragon to fit through. The dragon changed form, and shrunk. He stood like a man, yet still bore every aspect of a dragon. He followed the woman underground. A townsman came after him, murmuring to him. He realized that his time had been cut short. She turned around to face him. He towered over her, even in his shrunken form, but they were equals. He knelt down to her level, and passionately embraced her. He could hold back his tears no longer. He wept. She wept. He kissed her, and then her daughter. Their daughter. With this, he followed the townsman back to the surface, morphed into his true form, and took to the skies.

    The mother continued underground. The sound of a subterranean river echoed through the cavern. She eventually came to its source. With a final kiss of farewell to her daughter, she placed her gently in a basket, and deposited it in the river. She turned back to the surface, tears falling from her emerald eyes.

    She climbed up the city wall, and observed the massive army before her. They were already attempting to breach the gates. She drew a large, two handed sword that glowed as if it was forged from the fires of hell itself. She turned away from the enemy, and leaped backwards over the wall. As she soared through the air, she leveled her sword downwards, taking aim at the soldiers below her. A huge fireball shot forth from the tip, exploding below. The recoil from the spell propelled her further upwards. At the apex of her jump, just as she was about to fall, a shadow swooped below her, carrying her with it. The dragon craned his neck and met her gaze. No words needed to be spoken; they already knew. They would die tonight. Together.

    Drifting down the river, the daughter, with cyan skin, blue hair, and red-orange eyes, began to cry.
     
  2. Torol

    Torol Bone Serpent

    Oh.
    So THAT'S how she happened.
     
  3. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    Yup.

    I felt the urge to write something.... and I just did it.
     
  4. InvisibleClarity

    InvisibleClarity Corruptor

    Enlightening indeed. Very well-written, as I would expect from you.
     
  5. Princess_Kally

    Princess_Kally Cursed Skull

    D:
    So that's how it happened.

    That was sad... ;^; Very nicely done. : )
     
  6. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    Thanks guys.

    Feedback is welcome, if you have anything to add.
     
  7. roz2477

    roz2477 Green Slime

    --Edited content--
     
    Infraction has been given for this message by kirabook. Details | Sep 24, 2012
  8. Akerick

    Akerick Voodoo Demon

    Rivers are a writer's best friend aren't they? :D
    [Sorry, I had lost the page somewhere amidst my mass of tabs, and I just forgot about it. It was on my To-Read-List. Also, the little logo symbol (The terraria tree) had been replaced by a white page icon, so I didn't realise it had to do with the Terraria Forums.][Excuses... Here, have one "hit Akerick for free" coupon, claimable at any time.]

    On a whole, it's very nicely done. Quite a trip back, really nostalgic, in my opinion. It's been awhile since we last heard of Drakiash. Also, it's nice to hear about the world of War of Calamity again. Been a bit down-winded recently.

    Though, I don't know if it's just me, but I find that there are certain areas in the text that are a bit... disjointed?
    Not much of an issue on the larger scales, and possibly just in my head, but I found that some of the bits didn't flow off the tongue as well as others.
    Just in the parts where the sentences get drastically shorter, ranging from 4-8 words approximately, and pronouns seem to start every sentence.

    T'is just my perspective. I don't mean any disrespect on the matter.
     
  9. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    Can you try to elaborate more?
     
  10. Akerick

    Akerick Voodoo Demon

    You had a bit in there that... And now I can't find it, lovely. Wait a sec.
    I'll edit when, or if, I can find the bit, but from what I recall, every sentence for awhile had started with 'she'.
    It had become something of a common thing, appearing every 8 or so words.

    FML Know what? Just disregard everything I say.
     
  11. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    Well, I never put a name for her, and she's the only major female apart from Drakiash, who is an infant who isn't going to be doing much, so it's not really ambiguous who "she" is, right?
     
  12. Akerick

    Akerick Voodoo Demon

    Not ambiguous no. But as I was reading the words multiple times in the span of a few seconds, it made me tick. Likewise, I get the point that it's the only defining term that can be used for the mother, and I've personally done it a few times as well, replacing the person's name or alternate terms with a pronoun, so I can't really judge on the matter.

    But then again, I can't seem to find it now, so I've lost all evidence of my point. Thinking about it, it may have just probably been my imagination or tiredness creeping up on me. So as before, disregard this point. I shall change my opinion to "Very good Infinite. Nice work you have there." Until further point at which something I say will not sound like utter bullshit and stupidity.

    Oyasumi. Have a good day. If you have anything to ask, I'll answer them when I awake, since as before, anything I say now will be comprised of stupidity.
     
  13. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    No, no, I get your point, I was just not entirely sure how to handle it.
     
  14. Garneac

    Garneac Yellow Tyrant of Death

    (I haven't forgotten about this. Consider this a reserved review?)
     
  15. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    I'll be waiting.
     
  16. Garneac

    Garneac Yellow Tyrant of Death

    IndentedHello iNfiniTe Se7eNz,
    IndentedI liked the story, despite there being some inner circle knowledge about who the baby turns out to be. ;)
    IndentedThat said, you did say you hadn’t edited the story, and I think it would’ve benefited a bit more from pruning some of the excessive descriptions and redundancies. I'll bring up three examples.

    IndentedA possible change would be to write is as "The clang of steel upon earth pursued her" or "The clang of steel upon earth followed her." The idea being that though I understand what you're getting at, it goes on longer than necessary.

    IndentedFor the following, I wasn’t sure if it was the crippled dragon speaking/thinking this or you as the narrator recounting it, because at one point the crippled dragon is referred to as the crippled dragon, i.e., “the cripple would swoop in and carry.” An oddly removed way of describing oneself, I’d think, as opposed to “I would swoop in and carry.” That is, if the following has as its source the dragon:
    IndentedIf that’s you as narrator, that’s overly descriptive. The flurry of adjectives gets in the way of your recounting in so condensed form what’s happened. Then again, if it’s the dragon speaking/thinking, then that could work, if their kind communicate with an abundance of description. (But, again, the oddness of referring to oneself as “the cripple” rather than “I,” unless that’s a given for them.)

    IndentedIn this next bit:
    Indented1) I’m not sure what would be lost by substituting “They wept,” but as it is, the repetition seems to me not worth it.
    Indented2) "He kissed her, and then their daughter." The reveal is kept, but rather than standing out self-consciously, as it is currently, it’s almost snuck in there. (Although, to be fair, I think there’s enough mentioned so far to infer about the nature of their relationship.)

    IndentedI do wonder why the mother couldn't go with the child, since she'd gone to such lengths to protect her. Seemed a bit off to entrust the child's safety to a river somewhere underground in a dark cavern. (I say dark because there's no mention of light sources by which she navigated.) An answer would be that the basket as all that was there. But then I'd have to ask was there nothing else the mother could've done to get hold of a larger craft, or to follow after the basket, or something?

    IndentedLike I said in the beginning, it's a good read, but it could be tightened up and shaken free of descriptors and redundancies through some editing.
    IndentedThanks for posting this. It was a pleasure to read.
     
  17. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    As for the first and third points you bring up, I decided to use the repetition for poetic emphasis, just as a personal touch.

    As for the second, the narrator did maintain the same third person, not switching to the cripple, and I guess the adjectives are there for a slightly poetic touch as before, and part of the reason I used filler adjectives was I felt that the description of the previous battle was insufficient in length, and therefore I felt the need to inflate it a bit.

    As for that plot flaw you pointed out, the water was freezing cold, and the combination of the infant's draconic genes and the fact that the basket was enchanted made the survival of the infant possible while the mother would die of hypothermia in an attempt to follow either by swimming or constructing a makeshift raft.

    ^ I admit that was a total asspull, but at least I tried to make it seem as little of a handwave as possible.
     
  18. Garneac

    Garneac Yellow Tyrant of Death

    IndentedIf you think the repetition works then that's that.

    IndentedAlright. If the italicized paragraphs are told from the narrator's POV, and not the dragon's, then there's an issue where the narration suddenly widens its focus, from mother encountering crippled dragon to recap of the battle to date. Not a huge problem, mind you, but I'd suggest remedying it by inserting some sort of break before and after the italicized paragraphs (asterisks, underscore, etc). The italics isn't quite enough to mark the shift in scope, as my confusion as to who was describing that part supports.
    Indented(Had it been the dragon retelling that, then there'd be no need for a break.)

    IndentedAdmirable asspull. XD
     
  19. iNfiniTe Se7eNz

    iNfiniTe Se7eNz Official Terraria Online Post Whore

    Alright-- quick edit. Does that work?

    Admirable, yes, but sufficient? Any more holes you can shoot in it? xD

    As for who the baby is, I think I referenced her in the WAT....

     
    Garneac likes this.
  20. Garneac

    Garneac Yellow Tyrant of Death

    IndentedYup, that's more than fine.
    IndentedAnd the asspull makes sense, so it's not really an asspull anymore, now is it? =P
    IndentedAs for the quoted history: you're relentless. Ouch.
     

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